A Christian’s Take On What Sexual Compatibility Is And What It Is Not.
The term sexual compatibility is being thrown around a lot by so-called relationship experts. If I had a dollar for every time, I heard someone claim that having sex before marriage, aka ‘’testing the waters’’ is the ultimate test for sexual compatibility. I will give Jeff Bezos a run for his money.
Sex and sexual compatibility is a very controversial topic, and I wrote this piece with a lot of anxiety so before you come for me in the comments section, let us break it down.
The World’s Logic
The world has managed to downplay and justify fornication, and I won’t lie, has built a solid case to defend it. I can bet you have heard this ‘’How will we know we are sexually compatible if we don’t test drive’’. According to the world, sex in a relationship builds intimacy, making sense to milk the cow before buying it. Translation: You can have sex with as many people in your quest to find intimacy and the perfect sex partner, and that is ok.
Where is the lie?
Before you yell, ‘’It is still a sin’’, let us examine the underlining factors of the world’s school of thought; they are uncertainty and fear. There is the uncertainty of getting married only for the sex to suck or fear of being stuck in a sexless relationship for the rest of your life. They place so much emphasis on sex, so it is better to be safe than sorry, in their view. How about throwing away this whole discussion and conclude that fornication has been normalized amongst the youth today, and most of them use sexual compatibility as an excuse to sin.
Where are some Christians in all this mess?
Many Christians have confessed to have never gotten an understanding of how physical intimacy, more precisely sex, works. All they heard from the pulpits were not to have sex before marriage. Most Christians are afraid to talk about sex, and we all know that sex is essential in marriage (at least in my books :). So what happens when you end up with someone who has an entirely different take on sex? How does one determine sexual compatibility without having sex?
The problem with sexual compatibility
I honestly believe we have put sexual compatibility on a pedestal and overlooked other elements of a good marriage. Do not get me wrong, have as much sex as you want in your marriage, but can it save your marriage when it gets tricky? Can your marriage stand without sex for a year or more because your spouse is bedridden and can’t help themselves?
I hate to break it to you, but sexual compatibility is not something you will achieve by having the best sex of your life, but from intimacy which occurs as love, respect, trust deepen in a covenant relationship. It is more than the pursuit of selfish desires. It is God’s design you get to discover your spouse as you grow deeper in forgiveness, trust, and respect for one another. In Ephesians 5: 22–23, husband and wife are called to love and serve each other unconditionally, like how Jesus loves his bride, the church. Sexual compatibility like marriage is a journey where two imperfect people become one flesh, meaning you have forever to figure out what works best for you and your partner in an environment of love and commitment.
For us Christians, a purpose-driven marriage that honors God comes first before healthy sex life. I believe that ‘’sexual compatibility’’ is the by-product of a marriage built on deep love and genuine intimacy developing both within and outside the bedroom. So instead of sexual compatibility, we should be more concerned with sexual commitment. The commitment to communicating and giving pleasure to your spouse will make for a strong and grounded marriage.